Work & Family
By SUE SHELLENBARGER
I WAS ON A multitasking roll one recent day, when I got a wake-up
call.
I'd done my workday on flextime, starting early to finish by the time my
kids got out of school. I checked backpacks, did laundry, cleared voice
mail, started dinner. I was picking up the phone to call the parents of
my son's hockey teammates as part of my job as team manager, when
my son, 10, yelled from the living room: "Mom, you're always running
around. Can't you just sit down with me for one minute?"
It was a moment of truth: I thought I was on top of my parenting
duties, but I hadn't even spent 10 seconds focusing on the object of it
all: my kids.
Researchers in the past decade have documented the importance to
babies of sustained parental attention. A nationwide ad campaign in
1997 stressed the role of parental nurturing in infant brain
development.
Studies suggest parents of even older kids may be underestimating the
value of parental presence. A nationwide study of 1,023 kids in grades
three through 12 found they wanted their time with parents to be less
rushed and stressed, says author Ellen Galinsky, author of "Ask the
Children."
EVEN TEENS, who often rebuff parental overtures, said they wanted
parents to keep trying. The Institute for Youth Development,
Washington, D.C., found in focus groups with 429 kids ages 11 to 14
that they want more of a sense of connectedness with parents and
more time doing simple things together.
"The assumption is that this need for parental attention just takes place
when they're babies. But at every stage of their growth, we have to find
ways of reconnecting," says Ms. Galinsky, president of the Families and
Work Institute, New York. "The average parent says when they're
together with their kid, 'OK, let's go do something.' The average kid will
say, 'We're together. That's good enough for me.' They want some
time that's not always rushed, programmed, planned."
The psychological principle at work,
documented in Robert Karen's 1994 book,
"Becoming Attached," is that a parent's
emotional availability forms the foundation for
attachment in infancy and for intimacy in
adulthood. It means giving a child undivided
attention, accepting negative and positive
feelings, being patient with emotional demands
and expressing affection.
Workplace pressures often weigh in the
opposite direction. The trend toward
integration, or blending work and personal
pursuits through the day, is a practical solution
for people with multiple roles and
responsibilities. But it can spawn a fragmented,
task-oriented mindset that weighs against focusing quietly on children.
Ken Canfield of the National Center for Fathering, Shawnee Mission,
Kan., says staying tuned in to kids is a challenge for many of the
thousands of men his organization works with.
Beyond just managing parenting tasks, it's important to remain
focused. Dr. Canfield tells of one attorney who was rushing his three
kids off to school, packing lunches and loading them in the car. As they
drove, he pulled what he thought was a can of juice from his fourth
grader's lunch and told him drinking it would get him ready for his day.
His son handed it back, saying, "I don't think so." To his horror, the
dad realized it was a Bud Lite. He soon joined a fathering group to hone
his parenting skills.
ATTENDING TO A CHILD in a calm, caring way can have a powerful
therapeutic impact. Karen Hazel, a Jersey City, N.J., marketing manager,
and her husband decided to spend daily "focus time" with their
preschooler, Raquel, after they realized they were becoming too
distracted by end-of-day chores.
When Raquel came home one recent day wound up and agitated, Ms.
Hazel turned off the phone, TV and music, sat down with her at her
work table, looked her in the eye and asked about her day. "Her
demeanor softened. Her rambunctiousness stopped. She was engaged
with our talk for about 20 minutes and then said, 'I want to read now,
Mommy.' "
"It was as if once she realized I cared enough to drop everything, she
felt confident and calm, ready to move on," Ms. Hazel says.
Those moments benefit parents, too. A study of 752 couples working
for the same employer found those with children reported less stress
and a higher quality of life than couples without children, says author
Phyllis Moen, a Cornell professor and fellow at the Radcliffe Institute
for
Advanced Studies. Kids can provide an alternative focus and a relief
from work, she says.
Charles Vianey, a Birmingham, Ala., marketing executive, makes quiet
time for his children, ages five and seven, a routine part of his week.
The benefits, he says: "I'm more balanced in all areas. It helps me sort
out the important from the unimportant. It's very freeing, very
liberating."
For my part, I'm trying to be more mindful. After my son's reproach, I
put down the phone and sat down. We talked for a while. He turned on
a hockey video, and we marveled together at the grace of the
Pittsburgh Penguins' Jaromir Jagr. Suddenly, a muffled "I love you,
Mom," escaped the lips of my normally taciturn son. He threw his arms
around me and raced off to play.
I glanced at the clock. Just 28 minutes passed since I set down the
phone, in exchange for a warm memory and a sense of peace. Not a
bad trade.
Send your comments to sue.shellenbarger@wsj.com.